Can you critique my hetalia fanfiction with my human OCs? [Omit Link]
Of course I can. Not sure if you want me to do both chapters or just one, though.
Because I literally had to google this name in order to make sure that it was a real one, I have to say that you probably should change it.
wrapped her coat around her body a little tighter, clutching her umbrella as she shuffled her feet impatiently, watching the stoplights with shifting eyes.
A bit of a run on there.
Around her, the grey rain drizzled down, slightly obstructing her view.
Stupid stoplight. Can’t you see I’m freezing in the rain out here?! Sheesh. She sighed, flipping out her phone, and scrolled through her playlist. Deciding to go for something that would cheer her up, Haylin tapped Italy’s Hatafutte Parade, smiling slightly.
You’ve never failed me, Italy- don’t fail me now! Personally, Haylin enjoyed the Hetalia songs, even if she never really understood the lyrics. She really only knew English, though she planned on changing that soon.
How? With what language?
She couldn’t help but share the optimistic persona of Italy, and she began to hum to Hatafutte Parade as she scrolled through her messages.
A lot of that paragraph was telling instead of showing, and I understand that while some telling is good, I do think you could have taken the time to show Haylin’s personality instead of telling it.
After throwing away some spam texts and the sort, she stopped short on a message from Justice,
What is up with the odd names?
only from a few minutes earlier-
"Heyas, Haylin! How’s it going? Heard your folks are out for a while-Jamie and I’r gonna come over in five minutes, ‘kay? Getting ready for Con! See ya’ soon!
P.S. I finally got Jay
Is Jay Jamie?
into Hetalia! Yay! But she’s an Italy fan, unfortunately. Not a Prussia fan. Darn.”
She smiled. She knew that Justice was a serious Prussia fan, and that she’d be slightly disappointed at her sister’s choice of favorite.
I like this. Not too obsessive, but still dedicated fans.
They were all excited, never being to one before, and they were all going to Haylin’s to plan for the trip.
We really need a transition there.
She just needed to head home in five minutes and- Haylin paused. When was the message sent?
Haylin’s eyes flashed to the time- 4:38. She looked at the time the message was sent- 4:27. She did some quick mental math, then groaned. She was six minutes late. Justice wasn’t gonna like this… At least Warren
was home to let them in, our of
the rain (which Justice happened to hate with a passion).
She sighed. At least it couldn’t get any worse…
That was when she heard the voices.
At first it was a dreary drizzle, like the rain, and, at first, Haylin wondered if was just her imagination.
But, eventually, the voices grew, up until she was able to pick up individual words and voices.
"That’s funny, I actually don’t know where we are."
Oh no, you’re doing the no tagging thing.
In my personal opinion, this is really over used. I know that this is a fanfiction and that people can usually get who a character is by the speaking patterns, but looking at this as though it is an actual story is really not working. You could really enrich your readers’ experience by simply describing each voice and taking the time to discuss it.
"You git! You’re in your own bloody country, for God’s sake! How could you not know?!”
"WHAT?! That’s the best excuse you can make?! Why you little-"
"Um…" a voice whispered, but it sounded as if it were ignored.
"You two need to stop fighting, aru. Can’t you see we’re gonna get sick in this rain, aru?"
Resist the arus
"Ve~! Isn’t this rain fun?" the exclamation was followed by a loud splash, then a collection of sighs, grunts, and a colorful string of curses.
One gruff voice stood out. “Please, don’t jump in the puddles.”
There was a squeak. “Sorry!”
"Ack! You just got my beautiful clothes dirty!"
"Just shut up."
"But they were ruined! And America has no fashion taste whatsoever! I can’t get anything like this again, and-"
"Just. Shut. Up."
"I AM AWESOME!" someone randomly screamed, followed by a loud smack.
Don’t do that either
"Look, there is a little girl over there," one voice said, and Haylin lifted her head when she realized they were talking about her. "Maybe we could ask her for directions, da?"
So the “voices” aren’t in her head, but rather, coming from a specified direction in the real world. Tell me: why didn’t Hailyn lift her head before, either from plot convenience or curiosity, and look at the strange men talking? Why didn’t you take the opportunity to get description out of the way while avoiding the long list of untagged dialogue?
Oh dear God. More lost travelers. Doesn’t it seem as if we get a little too much around here?
Okay, so where are we then?
But, for some reason, their voices struck with familiarity, as if she had met them before. But that’s absolutely impossible. When had I ever met a bunch of rowdy young adults? Haylin was sixteen herself, but, judging from their voices, she could tell they were around their late teens or early twenties.
And, obviously, their maturity levels were way below that.
She rubbed her head. Maybe that fever’s just getting to my head and I’m hallucinating…
My head’s not the clearest right now, so I might be wrong on this one, but when did you establish that Hailyn was sick?
Sighing, Haylin paused her phone (which had just began playing Absolutely Invincible British Gentleman), placed it into her coat pocket, and turned to face the group.
Woah. Her mind almost stopped. Are those… cosplayers?! But… WHAT?!
Standing in front of her were ten young men (even to Haylin, who had no interest in boys in general
Please tell me that I’m right on this one.
and vowed to stay single forever and ever,
had to admit they were pretty good looking),
So we’ll just pause right here for a second. Presuming that Hailyn is neither a lesbian or aromantic, we have a bit of a problem. This kind of “cooties” thinking is very below the maturity level of her age. Usually girls will admit to all that lovey-dovey stuff around 15-ish, depending on past experiences and sexual maturity. Now you could play the immature card or the “I don’t care” one, but you need to make it clear that it’s part of her character and not just put in there for the laughs.
and, to her surprise, they looked just like some characters from Hetalia- the Axis and Allied Powers, as well as Prussia and… was that Canada?
They… they look like they would be cosplaying- they have the clothing and hair and EVERYTHING- but guys almost never cosplay! And it looks too real! What the..?!
This sounds really narrative like, unnatural for someone’s inner thoughts.
The one that looked like Russia- he even had the scarf and the height down, for God’s sake- walked up to Haylin with the same freaking creepy smile as Russia.
That’s it! I’ve finally gone insane! Haylin was staring at them with wide eyes, causing everyone to shuffle uncomfortably under her gaze- except for the Russia lookalike, who was completely oblivious to the fact that Haylin was staring at him as if he were some celebrity.
Break that paragraph up into separate sentences. We need to breathe, sweetie.
"Hello there, young American girl! We are lost, and we would like to know where we are," he asked sweetly, with the same freaking Russian accent as Russia.
Why am I getting the impression that these aren’t just normal cosplayers? It was almost as is they were theactual country personifications by Hidekaz Himaruya himself…
But… but that’s impossible! It’s an Anime! Not reality!
She snapped closed her jaw that she hadn’t noticed was hanging open and cleared her throat. “Uh… oh, you’re in South Florida. Pembroke Pines, near Ft. Lauderdale,” Haylin explained,
Realistically, she’ll probably just state the street name.
still staring at them, now looking at the one that looked like America.
He’s even got the little Nantucket hair thing right! And he’s also got Texas! And the bomber jacket! Down to the last detail-
The England look-alike coughed lightly, giving her a puzzled look.
"Um, excuse me?" he prodded, raising one of his bushy eyebrows that was exactly like England’s
We get the point.
(again, sending Haylin’s mind into vertigo). “Is there something wrong?”
Haylin blinked, a blank look on her face, then shook her head vigorously. “No, no, it’s fine! I, just, um…” she breathed loudly. “You guys just remind me of some people…”
They definitely don’t seem like cosplayers. They seem pretty lost…
"Hm?" he questioned. "Who?"
Wait. Haylin’s heart stopped. What if… what if they are the countries?!
What rational human being would actually jump to that conclusion?
No, no! You shouldn’t let Alex’s stupid ideas
Since when were they not hers?
go to your head! You sanity is already delicate as it is!
We really don’t need that.
They. Are. Not. Real. Repeat it, repeat it…
"Er, I-I don’t remember." she said quickly, then thought for a moment. "Well, um… what are your names?"I’ll get something out of this.
The British man smiled. “I am Arthur Kirkland.”
Haylin almost fainted. W-what?! No no no no no no no no no no-
"Y-you sure?" she squeaked out, and he looked puzzled.
"Of course. What makes you think that?"
Hm, I don’t know! Hey, maybe the fact that that’s the human name for ENGLAND’S PERSONIFICATION in an ANIME. What do you freaking THINK?!
Like I said before, all of these inner thoughts are very mechanical.
But Haylin could tell he wasn’t lying.
He was telling the truth.
The complete, utter, truth.
It’s official! Completely official! Sign the paperwork! Send me to a mental hospital! I have gone insane! Oh, dear Lord.
"N-nothing…" she muttered, then turned to the American. "Um, how about you?"
He flashed a triumphant grin- more like heroic, when Haylin thought about it- and flashed a pose. “Alfred F. Jones! The HERO!”
No! It’s not happening! Dear God, help me get out of this horrible nightmare!
The Chinese man smiled warmly. “Wang Yao, aru.”
Ack! This is a dream! All a dream!
The blonde Frenchman winked. “Francis Bonnefoy.”
Why did it have to be me? Why me, why me?!
The Italian grinned madly, and Haylin noticed the curl on the left side of his hair, stubbornly defying physics. “Feliciano Vargas, ve~!”
Alex is never going to let me hear the end of this!
The German simply nodded. “Ludwig Beilschmidt.”
I bet the laws of physics and reality just DIED.
The man next to him, who seemed German (though Haylin knew he was Prussian) but slightly different with his albino hair and crimson eyes, laughed and slapped his brother on the back. “And I’m the awesome brother of the un-awesome Ludwig-
PLEASE don’t do this to my baby
How Justice finds this crazy, beery-breathed man ‘attractive’ is completely out of my mind! As well as my sanity! I bet Kiku Honda’s next…
The Japanese man bowed. “Kiku Honda.”
I knew it! HA! HA! Ha! Ha. Ha… That’s it. I’ve finally gotten mental problems…
The Russian smiled ominously. “Ivan Braginsky, da.”
Don’t do the da!
Take my life now, God. Please…
In the back, a Canadian smiled sweetly. “Eh, Matthew Williams…” For some reason, he was holding a polar bear.
Is… is that Kumajiro?! B-but…ugh, my brain hurts. Kumajiro looked at his owner, Matthew/Canada/Canadian person/cosplayer/whatever. “Who are you?”
"I’m Ca-Matthew…" Haylin caught the slip in his words, and gasped inwardly. He- he was about to say ‘Canada’!
Why are you suddenly doing this?
looked at her. “Vat’s your name?”
She gulped. “H-Haylin. Haylin Riddle.” she said with a shaky voice, struggling to keep the panic rising in her throat like bile out of her voice.
France/Francis smiled. “That is quite a beautiful name,” he crooned, attempting to flirt with her, but Haylin just scowled angrily.
"Hmph. That ploy’s not going to work on me. I plan on staying single," she grunted, then looked at the group as a whole, struggling to keep herself calm and collected.
Watch— she’ll be the first to find love.
Additionally, why would you announce that? Like if I had a pervert on my tail, I would rather tell him that I’m simply not interested.
Deep breath, take a deep breath- in, out. In, out.
This suggests panic, but there’s nothing in her body language to support it.
"So, um, are you guys cosplayers?" she asked, silently hoping that they would say yes and say that those aren’t their real names and Haylin would be out of the twisted mess…
Unfortunately, Haylin wasn’t that naive and could guess their answer.
"No." Arthur/England said. "Why? It it because we look familiar, like you said earlier?"
"What?" she sputtered. "No! Well, I just thought that since people don’t really come to our humble little city to visit often so…"
She let her voice trail off, and Haylin shuffled her feet awkwardly as a silence fell over them all. It was obvious that they ten guys needed a place to stay. Eventually, China spoke up.
"Do you happen to have a hotel near by, aru?"
Haylin shook her head. “Sorry, no. The closest one’s a few miles away, and it’ll take awhile if you just walked. Which, by the way, isn’t very smart, especially with this weather.” She pointed to their clothes, which were obviously not suited for weather.
Can I have a description that shows how?
Meanwhile, Haylin was warmly stuffed in her red rain coat, safe from the rain.
Anyways, she added mentally, I don’t think they accept fictional characters.
England interjected. “Well, do you know anywhere we could stay? You know, just for tonight? We… seem to be lost at the moment.”
No DUH. Of course you’re lost, Haylin thought bitterly, but pushed the thought away. Well, they do look like they need the help…
But what if they’re lying and decide to ransack the house? Dad and Mom’ll kill me. Well, maybe the fact that I brought in ten strangers into the house is reason enough…
… Well, it’s a good thing I have a hyper teenage girl and a psychotic teenage guy staying over tonight.
Hun, the inner monologues are simply not working.
Deciding to take her chances, she turned to the men and sighed. “Well, my place’s open tonight,” she offered, and they looked at her, surprised.
"But… it’s your home," Japan stuttered. "We shourd
not force you to accommodate us-“
"No, no, it’s fine," Haylin insisted. "I have friends over, anyways- won’t hurt to have more. And besides," she added, "I’ve got a pretty big house in Southwest Ranches. I think I have enough for all of you."
Yeah, I don’t quite buy this whole “I’ll let them into my house” thing
Uhg. Then I’ll have to put Jamie, Justice, Alex, and myself into my room to give them room… Or maybe we can sleep on the couch beds or something? And there’s some room in the den, I guess… Haylin mentally facepalmed. Uhg. Whatever. I’ll think about it when I get home.
As an afterthought she added, And when did I get so calm…?
She sighed, blaming it on her oncoming insanity, and beckoned to the waiting men. “Come on, this rain’s not gonna stop anytime soon.”
Eventually, they arrived at her house- a nice, Spanish/Mediterranean
It’s either or, pick one.
-style sized home. Unlike many of the homes in the town, it was not gated, but it was still a nice property- seven bedrooms with four full bathrooms, along with a nice little pool and backyard in the back.
Haylin smirked. The perks of being rich.
Both of her parents were successful business people, and the Menchie’s franchise they owned only added more to their profit. And, anyways, it was nice being able to stroll into the frozen yogurt store and get a cup for free.
She turned behind her, frowning slightly when she saw the ‘countries’ a few paces behind her, whispering amongst each other. Haylin was hoping to get some information by eavesdropping on them, but they had wisely kept their distance away from her, avoiding from talking loudly.
Okay, if that’s no suspicious I don’t know what is.
Don’t let them in, Hailyn.
Haylin, deciding that trying to get close to their conversation wasn’t worth the risk, grudgingly stayed ahead.
Stepping firmly onto the porch, hearing the familiar click of her boots,
she fumbled with her keys. When finding the correct one after a few moments, she thrust it into the key slot with a lot more force than she needed to, surprising herself (as well as the other ‘countries’ assembled around her).
Grunting softly, Haylin jerked the key clockwise (later wondering how it didn’t break) and pushed the door open.
Suddenly there was an outburst of sound, screams and possibly some curses followed by an exasperated gasp. “Justice, watch your language!”
"SHUT UP! IMMA WIN THIS RACE WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!”
That is not the best first impression I want of these characters.
"Ha!" a boy’s voice rang out in triumph. "Blue Shell for the WIN! In your face, Justice!”
"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO-" they heard an explosion rip from the speakers. "CURSE YOU, WARREN! CURSE YOU AND YOUR STUPID MARIO KART WII! I WILL PERSONALLY RIP YOU APART WITH MY TWO BARE HANDS-“
"Justice!" the first voice exclaimed.
"Yeah, Justice." the boy scoffed. "Listen to Jamie. Be a sport, girl- w- wait! YES! Ha, look! I passed you! Diddy Kong passes Toadette!" he yelped in victory.
I’m already bored with this conversation, can we get a move on please?
"YOU HYPOCRITE!" Justice screamed in an ear-shattering screech. "YOU- YOU’RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT, WARREN RIDDLE! I WILL GIVE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH, YOUR BLOOD WILL DRIP DOWN MY FINGERS AND YOU WILL KNOW THE TRUE MEANING OF TORTURE-"
Is the graphic description of torture really necessary?
Before anything more could be heard, Haylin slammed the door shut, her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open in utter surprise and shock.
Behind her, the guys were all wearing about the same expression- shock, surprise, disgust, and fear- except for the Russian.
So WHAT are we looking at?
"I like that girl," he said simply, smiling. Next to him, the Chinese man shivered.
Haylin grinned awkwardly, looking apologetic.
"Erm, sorry ‘bout that." She coughed softly, clearing her throat. "Um, how ‘bout you guys stay out here and I’ll… clear things up in there, ‘kay?"
Without waiting for a reaction, she creaked open the door (again met with a blast of booming speakers, laughing, and a raging Justice), quickly shuffled inside, and slammed the door behind her.
Haylin hastily made her way to the living room, where she was met with the sight of her two friends and twin brother- Justice, Jamie, and Warren, respectively- clutching onto Wii remotes in their sweaty palms. They were madly racing, twisting their remotes left and right, so absorbed in their game (with the occasional threat and curse thrown around by none other than Justice herself) that they didn’t even notice Haylin until she coughed a few moments later.
Three heads swiveled around to meet a deep scowl.
Warren blinked, then paused the game (much to Justice’s disappointment). “Wow. Someone’s in a bad mood, huh, sis?”
Not bothering to shoot something back, Haylin pointed to the stairs, aiming her gaze at Justice and Jamie. “Upstairs. Now. My room.”
The two of them scrambled away, knowing better than to argue with an angry Haylin.
She sighed, her eyes following the two receding teens, then turned to Warren, rubbing the back of neck worriedly.
He looked at her questioningly. “What was that about?”
Haylin rolled her eyes. “Nothing much. I just brought something that would probably make Justice overreact.”
"Oh?" Warren raised an eyebrow. "What is it? Is it that Oreo cheesecake you were gonna pick up?"
She blinked. “Hm? What cheesecake-” suddenly the memory hit her like a train, and she smacked herself on the forehead. “Oh! OH! That cheesecake! The one from Ms. Jensen!” Haylin groaned, covering her face with her hands. “Ugh, how can I be so stupid? If it weren’t for them-“
"Wait," Warren interrupted. "Who’s them?"
She peeked from between her fingers, frowning. “You won’t believe me when I tell you.”
Warren returned the frown with a straight and steady expression. “After what I’ve been through, I’m not sure I won’t be able to believe you.”
Haylin smiled slightly, knowing it was probably true. “Well… maybe it would be better if I just show you. C’mon.” she tugged on her brother’s wrist and lugged him upstairs to a nearby window that overlooked the front porch.
"Make sure they don’t see you,” she hissed, and Warren rolled his eyes at her.
"Will you stop calling them they? You make it sound as if they were an alien race that crash landed on Earth.”
"Just look." Haylin told him, not bothering to tell him how close he actually was to the truth.
He sighed, then shifted the bottom corner of the curtain slightly, glancing outside. With a smirk, she saw his eyes widen.
"Remember that anime I showed Justice a while ago?" she asked Warren, not taking her eyes off of his slowly growing expression of surprise.
He nodded slowly, still staring outside. After a few moments, he was able to stutter something from his mouth. “They… they look just like them…”
Haylin grimaced. “Exactly.”
She turned to Warren with a sigh. “I don’t know what happened, or how it happened, but it seems as if they’re here.”
"But…" he was still looking outside. "How… how do you know they’re not just cosplaying? In the rain? Erm…"
Haylin shook her head grimly. “Don’t think so. I’ll- I’ll just deal with this stupid mess later.” she looked out the window, where Justice’s bike was splayed lazily on the front porch. “I’m going to Ms. Jensen’s place to pick it up with Justice’s bike. Tell Justice I’m going to borrow her stuff, and make sure she doesn’t come downstairs. At all costs. I already have enough problems as it is, and I can’t afford to have anymore. Got it?”
So if Justice is such a danger, why not just send her home?
Warren nodded. “Got it.”
"I’m going to go outside and let them in, okay? After that I’ll leave."
Warren gulped. “But what about Mom and Dad? If they find out-“
Haylin shook her head. “I’ll make sure that they’re gone by the time Tuesday comes around. Don’t worry, I have it all under control! I think,” she muttered afterwards.
Almost missing the worried expression on Warren’s face, she hurried downstairs, avoiding anymore questioning. Opening the front door, she saw that everybody was waiting patiently outside (well, noteverybody- there were a few obvious exceptions),
and they looked up expectantly when they saw her open the door.
"Well," Haylin began, "I got everything cleared up inside. I guess you can come in now. Um…" What do you do when you invite these kind of people in? "Er, if you need anything, you can ask Warren, my brother." I guess that works. ”I need to go out for a few minutes to pick up some cheesecake from a friend’s place. Any questions?”
Not bothering to wait, she said, “Okay, good. Bye! AND DON’T MESS ANYTHING UP.”
Haylin snatched the bike, pulled it up, and was well on her way.
Italy blinked, then turned to Germany. “She reminds me of you a little, Germany…”
"Nein," he muttered, then turned to the door, which had just opened again. Warren’s head poked out, and he grinned nervously. "Uh, hi there! I’m Warren, but I guess you could’ve guessed that already." he chuckled. "Well, erm… welcome? I guess?"
He swung open the door, beckoning them inside. “Well, make yourselves at home, then. Well, not home home, I mean. Well…” he sighed in exasperation. “Well, just… don’t come upstairs. We’re still, er, preparing the rooms. You can do something down here, if you’d like. And there’s food in the fridge- but don’t touch Haylin’s goat cheese stash. She’ll kill you. Anything else is pretty much okay, I guess.”
He shot a glance upstairs. “Gotta go. I’ll be back in a flash, just you wait.”
With that, he sprinted upstairs, barging into Haylin’s room- where he found Justice and Jamie sitting on Haylin’s laptop, giggling like little girls.
"Hey Germany!" a voice chirped from the speakers. "Japan and I are back from our little vacation!" Warren recognized the voice as Italy.
Jamie squealed. “Aw, isn’t he adorable?”
"Shh!" Justice hissed. "Best part’s coming up!"
"Hm?" Another voice grunted. Germany. "Zat’s good. I hope Italy’s culture wasn’t too offencive. Now-” Warren herd the sparkle of sound effects, then Japan’s voice.
"So good! The pizza was-a magnifico! And the women was so-a pretty it made my heart a-yay~! Yummy!"
Justice snorted loudly, and Jamie tried to hide the grin that was quickly growing on her face, her body shaking with silent laughter.
"WHERE ZE HELL DID YOU PUT THE REAL JAPAN?!" Germany exploded from the speakers, and Italy screamed.
Do we really need to recap the entire scene? People know it already.
"That’s him, I swear!" Italy squeaked. "We just went sightseeing and ate together like we a-normally do!"
"Zen what made him become so freaky?!"
Justice grinned. “Wait for it…”
The screen moved to Japan, who was waving his arms in the air. “PASTA!”
Jamie finally broke, howling with laughter and collapsing onto the floor as Justice just grinned, stopping the video.
"And that’s how ramen noodles were born!" Justice announced, causing Jamie to laugh again. Turning to the computer, she began to type something into the search box, sticking her tongue out of the side of her mouth in concentration.
"Okay, there’s this awesome Prussia scene you need to see-” suddenly the laptop snapped closed, a hand firmly on the top.
Justice looked up in alarm, her eyes burning with fury.
Why why WHY would you do that?
I may know little about this character, but you established Justice as a danger. Letting her surf the web is the safest solution. She’ll have no reason to go downstairs.
"Jay, I swear-" he voice stopped when she saw Warren. "Oh. It’s Warren." She folded her arms, leaning back and placing her feet on the desk. "What’s up?"
He didn’t bother with his usual reply of “The sky,”
instead getting right to the point. “Justice, you need to stay up here until Haylin comes back. Under no circumstances are you allowed downstairs. You understand?”
"Why? Where’d Haylie go?"
"Out. She’s picking something up."
"What’s she getting?"
"She’s getting-" Warren paused, exasperated. "Oh, whatever. You know what I’m talking about.” he turned to Jamie. “Jamie, keep your older sister in line, okay?”
She nodded curtly, her little ponytail bouncing, then raised an eyebrow. “Okay, but what’s going on down there?”
Warren sighed. “I-I’ll tell you later,” he stuttered, to which Jamie just smiled and nodded in understanding. Suddenly, there was a large yell downstairs, and Warren widened his eyes in alarm. Justice just smiled, looking at the stairs, and they all knew this wasn’t a good sign.
She’s planning something.
Hoping it would be postponed for later, he rushed towards the door. “Ah!” he yelped. “Gotta go!” Grabbing his phone on the way out, he sprinted down the stairs, not very excited for what he was going to see.
He shook his head. What Haylin puts me through these days…
So what we have here is a pretty typical story. I feel like a lot of what happened was just convenience, like so much of this seemed very mechanical. The characters made their decisions not from motivation, but because they were programmed to do so. You need to also add more descriptions of your OCs and really work on their personalities. They’re there, but weak. Very weak. I know nothing of everyone, even Hailyn.
But I did find this to be very enjoyable. Thank you for sending this in!